“Parenting is about quality, not quantity” is a convenient lie.
There’s a rule that dual-income parents tell themselves to justify not being with their kids as much throughout the day:
“Parenting is about quality, not quantity.”
We’ll get to why it’s B.S. in a moment but first, I’d like to ask WHY it even exists: What makes it OK to justify their lack of presence? Why do other things take precedence?
When someone says that quality matters more, they’re equating the quality of the time that a parent who, for instance, only sees their kids once a week with that of the parent who’s with those kids every day.
They’re equating the quality of the time they’ll spend with an incarcerated parent once a week/month with their time with a parent who sees them every day, or at least several times a week.
So why is that maxim B.S.?
The above examples illustrated the spectra of situations that can show why quantity could in no way ever be greater than or even be equal to quality.
“Quality > Quantity” makes sense in some instances: Say you have a sweet tooth and enjoy your bit of dark chocolate after dinner: that’ll likely not harm you in the long run. Everything in moderation, after all.
Having a donut won’t benefit anyone, but having one every day will be more harmful than one for your birthday or one each month just because.
So the quality of what you eat matters as much as its quantity. Those of us with willpower know sugar isn’t the best thing for us but also recognize that stopping at a bite of a custom-made sugar cookie will be as enjoyable—and leave us feeling better—than having the whole thing, to be honest.
But a parent who deludes themselves into thinking that the quality of the hour or two they spend with the kids each day COULD BE THE SAME AS THE FULL DAY A STAY-AT-HOME PARENT SPENDS WITH THE KIDS is not being honest with themselves.
And that is why that belief is bullsh!t. It’s a lie, conveniently crafted to excuse the mere minutes some parents choose or are able to spend with their children.
Why this is suddenly so salient to me
There’s a Substack I used to be a big fan of (honestly, until the post I’m bringing up here). It goes by the name of Techno Sapiens and is written by Dr. Jacqueline Nesi, a Brown University professor and mom of two little kids.
A recent post of hers was on a concept known as “Cognitive Behavioral Therapy.”
As someone who’s benefited from the work I’ve done with the Catholic therapist I began seeing after my miscarriage, this concept seemed familiar.
The way I understood it from Nesi’s explanation, it’s essentially a way to shift your thinking so you’re back in reality instead of down the rabbit holes of awful thoughts about yourself.
In her words: “Our thoughts, feelings, and behaviors all influence each other.”
Nesi was discussing one instance where she had to leave her kids at around their bedtime to go do a Zoom. She hoped to be able to sneak off and leave quietly, without any fuss, so as to not disturb the kids (too much).
But as she started saying her Goodbyes, all hell broke loose and her toddler lost it.
The next morning this kiddo nonchalantly tells her that he had dreamed about her working, and later on, while playing make-believe he’d tell her that he couldn’t have dinner because he was (pretending to be) on his way to his job, complete with a tote bag and all.
There’s a reason I don’t talk about my family online: I don’t want them in the inevitable fishbowl that a few isolated incidents can create.
And sure enough, her example left me with more questions than answers that are definitely none of my business: Why couldn’t the Zoom be moved? Why couldn’t the kids be put down a bit earlier? Why have them watch TV right before bed—as if a researcher who specializes in the effects of tech on kids didn’t know how screens before bed affect everyone? and so on.
I was also still left wondering about the implications of putting your job above your kids, under the pretense that quality > quantity.
I can’t ever know whether her oldest feels securely attached to her (not enough information) or if it’s just a phase (most likely), but what I can say is that in the case of the mother that leaves her kids for a Zoom, the jurors find her guilty of subjecting her kids to the lie she chose to believe as well.
More on CBT and what working parents should believe instead
As Nesi puts it, “Changing your thoughts can be a very useful way to get rid of unwanted actions”:
CBT is all about recognizing those patterns, and working to address them when they’re not serving you. You might go after the behaviors directly—putting yourself in feared situations (exposure therapy), or scheduling meaningful activities (behavioral activation). You might practice managing the feelings through emotion regulation. Or you might work on the thoughts.
And this is where we get to the meat of the argument.
She later outlines ways to work on those thoughts and gives examples:
Here are a few key questions we might ask ourselves to help with this:
* Are there other ways of thinking about the situation?
* What would I tell a friend in this situation?
* Am I 100% sure that how I’m seeing the situation is accurate?
* What evidence do I have that this is true?
But where she lost me is… how she uses ^those^ strategies to make herself feel better about what her toddler thinks/knows ISN’T right:
(Kind of like those moms who wake their kids up at ungodly hours to drop them off at a place where they won’t be loved all day: You KNOW you’re not doing something good for them so you feel guilty [which is a valid and healthy feeling when you’re doing something wrong].
But it’s OK to feel guilty: Guilt drives action. Some moms take their kids out of daycare while others keep them there and convince themselves that that abandonment is good for them.)
So when Dr. Nesi thinks, (1) “Surely my working and putting him below these other responsibilities is bad for his development. Am I doing lasting damage?” she translates it to the new thought of, “Maybe it’s good for him to practice adapting to these situations, and to see that I’m committed to my work.”
Some more examples FROM her post:
(2) Old thought: A *good* parent would never let work get in the way of time with their child.
New thought: Parenting is about quality, not quantity.
(3) Old thought: I’m working too much, I’m going to miss out on his entire childhood.
New thought: I love my work, and I also love spending time with my kids. The balance will never feel perfect, and that’s okay.
I get it: We all need platitudes and ways to turn our negative thoughts into “See? I’m not doing so badly!” statements so we can more easily get out of rabbit holes.
But do we ever explore how us potentially lying to ourselves affects others?
Because here are other, more reality-based statements that better reflect what a parent in a dual-earner family should tell themselves so the kids aren’t more effed up than they need to be. These are some examples of how to revamp one’s way of thinking and shift priorities for the sake of the kids:
(1) Old thought:
Surely my working is bad for his development. Am I doing lasting damage?
Instead, think this:
Kids shouldn’t have to know that you’re committed to something else AT THEIR EXPENSE. Especially if it’s a place where you’re expendable and can be replaced at the drop of a hat.
As they grow older, I’m sure they realize that Mom chose all those Zooms instead of them because money.
But while they’re so little and our presence means the most to them, why not be wholeheartedly committed to them? Why not work when they’re sleeping instead, for instance? One can become a multimillionaire that way—at least that’s what Dr. Laura Schlessinger did.
Let’s keep going:
(2) Old thought: A *good* parent would never let work get in the way of time with their child.
Better new thought: That’s right, and I should therefore look for ways to spend more time with them while they’re awake because parenting is just as much about quality as it is about quantity.
Old thought: I’m working too much, I’m going to miss out on his entire childhood.
Better new thought: Work shouldn’t trump kids and should never feel “loved” just as much as my kids. No need to look for balance when the two could never be equal. My kids are my priority: I’ll seek to be 100% present when I’m with them so I don’t have to cut our sweet times short for the sake of a work responsibility that I should’ve scheduled better.
I admire Dr. Nesi and her work but I don’t admire so many moms who could move some things around, instead choosing to fall prey to the “diabolical lie” that worldly accolades matter more than nurturing a home and family. (While we’re on that note, worldly accolades shouldn’t > one’s family and home, regardless of sex/gender, but that’s for another day.)
Why one would choose to expend any mental energy replacing thoughts and potentially lying to oneself is beyond me. I wish more men and women knew how important a family is and how easy it is to move things around.
Thanks for stopping by! I’ll always appreciate your time and I hope you learned something. Feel free to start/join the conversation so we can all learn together, respectfully.
