Policing Other Women Isn’t My Job
To put it bluntly, my vocation is to be a devout Catholic, and a good wife and mom. I wasn’t called to “police” other women.
Over the past few weeks, I’ve seen a trend emerge among Conservative men that I began to take issue with and would like to address.
And that’s the mandate that we, women, are supposed to “police” other women online. So far I’ve heard both Louder with Crowder and Avoiding Babylon argue the same thing just over the span of a couple of weeks.
But those women make it so easy!
If a woman makes unreasonably stupid complaints about her husband online, or if she dresses inappropriately while out clubbing every night and expects to marry a ripped millionaire but wonders why she’s still single, or if she’s a girl-boss whom other men won’t marry.. or if she’s otherwise not suited for stay-at-home-mommyhood, then it’s apparently our job to “correct” her by showing her what she’s doing and saying is wrong because men don’t want to marry a woman like that.
Now many women aren’t doing themselves any favors online, making it very easy for men to target them, and criticize them on their shows (as was the case with LwC and AB).
From wives who truly do post ridiculous complaints about their husbands to famous hosts erroneously telling women to go ahead and keep chasing that girl-boss life because they will FOR SURE–even if it’s in their 30s/40s when they can no longer easily conceive naturally for the first time–find a man who finds that attractive, many women online have only excelled at giving Conservative men ammo.
And these men have happily taken the bait!
I admit I enjoy their content critiquing these women because I don’t disagree with it, but it’s when these men seem to take it a step too far that I end up “arguing with” them as if they could actually hear me.
(I’m also not in love with their claim that a future SAHM needs to have only done SAHM tasks before becoming an actual SAHM, but I digress. Though I might address it in a future post.)
I don’t disagree that some women are delusional in their demands from men nowadays. Whether single or married, these women think that men’s sole purpose is to be our accessories and act as though they’re OK with being treated as such because we’re their saviors.
One of the last things a man working a dangerous, actually life-threatening, full-time job needs, for instance, is to come home to a wife nagging him about why he didn’t unload the dishwasher that morning. And for her to also post that to sell memberships into her coaching program about wives’ “mental loads” is ludicrous.
Likewise, I don’t know and haven’t heard of any men who are turned on by a woman’s ambition or salary, especially if he wishes to have their future kids be raised in a loving home by their mom. I’m sure those men exist, but wanting a spouse (only) for their paycheck to then hand it over entirely, or in part, to strangers to watch those kids is despicable. Again, I digress.
Still, dedicated SAHMs aren’t called to waste their time on those women.
Yes, I wholeheartedly agree that it’s wrong for a wife to nag her husband (not necessary when one chose wisely!), to ask him to do the kind of mundane things that you can do yourself, and to get mad at him for not doing them when he has so much (like his survival and, subsequently, that of his family’s) on his plate already.
I also think it’s wrong to lie to women about both their mental loads being more important than their husband’s and about what men want simply because the exception* has come true a few times, etc.
*An exception indicates there’s a rule–otherwise it wouldn’t be an exception. Just because a few men have married high-powered women doesn’t mean that ALL men are looking for that.
But where I disagree is with the point that it’s my job to correct these women and others like them, as if I should make the time to get into silly Internet spats with creators who may simply be looking to rage-bait and/or who’ll ignore comments.
When I became a wife, a homemaker, and later a mom, I promised God, my husband, and then our kids that they’re my priority.
Back when I had social media, I knew of a few ways to “escape” knowing what others did, but since I quit it, it’s become refreshing and much more freeing to be so disconnected from the outside world. (Except, of course, for when the content creators I like and trust comment on such things. [And even then, I can choose to not play a specific episode if I don’t want to hear about a topic or person that’s not relevant to me.].)
So to go back to a backwards way of living of caring about what strangers think, or what their highlight reels look like, simply because I’m told I need to correct these women sounds, well, backwards.
In a world where my vocation is to be a wife and mom, there’s very little (if any) time or desire left for me to constantly correct other women on these issues.
What am I supposed to do? Spend hours filming and editing a full YouTube video or podcast episode that may get a few views? (I don’t care about going viral so I wouldn’t put a lot into its promotion.) Or start finding examples of such content online to comment on and film reactions to?
While I want to inspire women to happily live out their vocations at home, I can’t make it my mission to be everything to everyone. Meaning I’m happy to call out mommy vloggers who sell out their kids online because those kids deserve better, and as someone who adores staying home with ours, I’d like for more SAHMs to be content with that and not feel like they need to exploit their families with the pretense that it’s for the kids’ sake.
Additionally, I could begin encouraging young single women to be better, but they’re not my focus, and neither is showcasing my family online (which I suppose many would want me to do for “evidence” of how AWESOME it is to stay home with one’s kids).
So I’ll throw the ball back to those men’s courts
HOW exactly do you expect busy homemaking and/or homeschooling moms.. who are off social media.. and who’d rather give their time to their husbands and children (plus some self-care).. to “police” other women online?
Because we’d rather not do that.
Maybe instead YOU show single men to be more discerning and not reward the types of women they don’t want to marry with clicks and engagement? Maybe you all stop ignoring them altogether?
I’m not asking you, Men, to be “better men” as if I had all the answers because I’m not a patronizing b!tch. I’m asking you to mind your business, don’t give those women the engagement, and last but not least, police other men so THEY learn what to look for in the kind of woman they want to settle down with.
