Children Are A Joy!

For Lent*, and thanks to the indirect recommendation of a recent article on CatholicMom.com, I began reading one Psalm each day. Aside from what I read just before our youngest was born with Fr. Mike Schmitz’s Bible in A Year podcast, I don’t think I’ve ever followed an actual plan for reading the Bible cover to cover.

(You see, we Catholics–even those of us who went to Catholic School–don’t read our Bibles. That’s a joke. But also kind of not.)

_{*I might continue this practice year-round.}

In reading Psalm 4, I came across a verse that immediately jumped out at me because of how perfectly it encapsulates what I feel every day:

PSALM 4:7
You have put gladness in my heart
    more than when their grain and wine abound. 

I took “You” to mean not just God, of course, but also, everything involved in serving him.

You see, for a while I struggled with the idea of (or rather, how in the world would I go about) serving God and also my husband and also our children and also our home and also my parents and also my community and also our country and also this and that. _{(I purposefully omitted the commas.)}

But within the past few years I had an epiphany, like the voice of God, the Holy Spirit, and my Guardian Angel all came together and told me, “You serve me by serving THEM well.” And it hit me.

I don’t have to, or shouldn’t, place others above those closest to me whom God entrusted me with. Many people, it seems like, prioritize those outside of their family at the expense of that family: Think the medical provider whose children attend daycare so that she can work with other kids; the parishioner who spends hours at church helping out but won’t help her kids with their homework, attend their events, or be there for them; the husband and dad who demands that his authority be respected because God commanded it but can’t seem to grasp that he must also be kind and sacrificial for his family’s sake.. and so on.

In my opinion, many people have it backwards.

I serve him by serving them well. They are, after all, part of my vocation, my reason for being. God made me a Wife and Mom not to eschew the responsibilities and privileges that come with that, but to lean into them and honor them–and him.

Which brings me to how much of a joy children are.

While browsing YouTube one day I came across a Matt Walsh video where he’s commenting on an article about people who regretted having children. Below’s the video. You’ll notice he doesn’t link to the article (here’s an archived link to it, if you’re interested) or brings up direct quotes from it, and that is because he didn’t actually read it. However, you’ll also find that the spirit of his commentary still very much applies.

The author of that horrible article needs to work on herself, plain and simple. I don’t think most people are ready for kids but fortunately, of those, most either adapt or thrive as parents. The minority that don’t, also can’t seem to get it in their little noggins that it was never about them to begin with.

Parenthood isn’t about you (which is why you shouldn’t exploit your kids online, but that’s for another day): it’s about the children God gave you. When you face him and he keeps you accountable, will you know you did your best or will you instead recoil with fear because you know you didn’t take care of his children well?

When I talked to my husband about the article, before I even brought up Walsh’s reaction to it, he stated that those people who regretted having kids were being selfish. And, spoiler alert, that also covers Walsh’s entire argument. I’ll leave the rest up to your viewing pleasure, but suffice it to say, refusing to see and experience the pleasure of having a family is rooted partly in selfishness.

Now, because I’m imperfect, I know I’m not always doing a job that merits an A+ every hour, but I do think I’m trying in earnest to be the best wife and mom my family will know. I know the struggles I may face are because of my own selfishness and even ineptitude or perhaps downright lack of faith. I don’t want to judge myself too harshly but at the same time I think that’s true.

It dawned on me that, as difficult as it may seem at times to put my (apparent) needs below someone else’s, I am right where I want to be and exactly where God wants me to be, and these parents who regret having their children are, sadly and to quote Walsh, simply selfish.

There’s nothing like the feeling of giving of yourself for someone else, especially someone so defenseless and needy as a small child. It’s truly a wondrous thing.

It’s a joy to have children and it’s a wonder to be bestowed with the gift of marriage, and to have children, and to raise them well.

Leila Lawler, The Homefront podcast – March 13 episode

And then to have your child tell you (s)he loves you out of the blue, or serve you/do something kind for you unsolicited, or do all the million things that make you stare and smile at him/her while you wonder how you got so fortunate so as to have God made you his/her Mom! That’s beyond the cherry on top of the sundae: that’s priceless.

I don’t get how someone WHO CHOSE WELL can prefer doing something else besides spending time with their spouse and children, even (or especially if) it means you have to (GASP!) serve them. I get a little misty-eyed at night sometimes after the kids’ Bedtime because I can’t wait to see them the next morning. On the one hand, they need their rest so it’s a good thing they’re going to bed, and my husband and I would like to spend some time together as well.

On the other hand, there’s nothing like giving of yourself in a way that makes you look forward to doing it all over again the next day. Having children and being so grateful for them is like that. Plus, they’re so funny and clever!

Time with family above all else

My husband recently spotted my best friend and her family at a local park early on a Friday afternoon and I couldn’t help but smile at that news. I didn’t connect the dots between her outing and this post until later, but if you think about it, what a beautifully sacrificial thing to do with your kids at a time when most kids are stuck in a little prison while Mom and Dad are elsewhere running on a hamster wheel.

She and her husband homeschool and run their own business, so they don’t schedule life around their jobs but rather the other way around–all for their family and that flexibility. I’m sure it’d be easier (and maybe even more lucrative?) for them to hire a nanny to entertain the kids while they do work-related tasks, but where’s the fun in that?!

They travel to see family whenever, they host relatives whenever, they meet us for play dates and celebrations whenever, and they seem truly happy to be a family and be around each other like we are. It’s astonishing to me that so many others out there (at least 70,000 who joined a Parental Regret Subreddit?!) can’t or refuse to ever know the feeling.

The importance of being grateful

To reiterate something that I’ve been focusing more on this blog lately, I think this “regret” BS is tied to more than selfishness.

I’ll take it a step farther than Matt and my husband and propose that those parents (though I think the article only cited a few moms, incl. the author) who aren’t glad to have kids are also lacking in gratitude.

Not gratitude in the sense that they fail to acknowledge the many other couples who can’t have kids (though there’s some of that)–like a child who doesn’t want to eat her apple when others are going hungry.

But rather gratitude in that they just don’t want to realize how good God’s been to them in giving them the gifts (no, the honor) of children to love and serve. In other words, God chose THEM to be a particular child’s parent, and instead they’re bemoaning their supposed loss of “a lazy Saturday” (per the article) or whatever other silly, worldly things they seem too preoccupied with these days.

To regret a gift like that is tantamount to wasting it.

But hopefully it’s not too late for them (or you, if you’re feeling that way).

Until they see the incredible privilege and honor that is becoming a parent and getting to raise the sweet humans that God let them borrow.. until those people not just realize the weight of it but are also grateful about and begin enjoying all it entails as well, they’ll keep resorting to feeling sorry for themselves.

If you’re in the Regret train, know that you could either choose to feel sorry for yourself because you don’t think your life is as cool as that of your single, aimless friends (whose child-free lives gives them no stake in our future) -OR- you can choose to see how privileged you are that God picked you to raise a sweet family and then be grateful that he made you the parent of some awesome and awe-inspiring kids.

Say a prayer, ask for the Virgin Mary’s intercession, and then go be with them and enjoy their company: I’m sure they’d like that very much!

And also quit social media and parenting forums: Your life will be better off.