Debunking the Apparent Benefits of Shacking Up
The rate of premarital cohabitation has increased a whopping 1500% in the last 20 years. In light of this epidemic, The Dr. Laura Program had a great monologue recently on the disaster that is living together before marriage where she was debunking some of the most common reasons why people do it.
I’ve written about this plenty of times before as well (here and here, for example) so I thought I’d add to that pool of posts with this one on the so-called benefits of shacking up. I’ll pepper in wisdom from no-nonsense authors and personalities throughout as well to show that this discussion isn’t as uncommon as you may think.
To start with, I must recommend this article on the secular case against living together before marriage (<< archive link) by writer Suzanne Venker, which summarizes the points below quite well, and this one by Dr. Laura on why shacking up isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.
Ironically, millennials view cohabitation as a sign of commitment, something with which the couple should feel proud, as if announcing you’re moving in with your boyfriend or girlfriend is something to celebrate. But what is it celebrating? That someone has promised to share a bed with you, along with the rent, for only as long he or she feels compelled to do so? And then what?
Suzanne Venker, “The Secular Case Against Living Together” (Archive link) (Emphasis my own.)
For the last 20 years… marital status has increasingly become the central factor in whether our neighbors and their children rise above, remain, or descent into poverty.
Dave Ramsey quoting Glenn T. Stanton’s “The Research Proves The No. 1 Social Justice Imperative Is Marriage,” “Shack Up Vs. Marriage”
The most frequently cited “benefits” of shacking up
- To save money on rent
- The couple wants to see if they’re compatible
- It’s supposed to be a step toward a proposal and marriage
She adds that 80% of shack-up relationships end BEFORE marriage or in a divorce after marriage. “Test-driving doesn’t work!” With those odds, what’s the point?
In her article, Venker debunks all these points, so I’ll go into that below, followed by Dr. Laura’s list of additional disadvantages of living together before marriage.
Whether or not it lasts depends entirely on your marriage mindset, or your attitude, and your level of commitment.
Suzanne Venker, “The Secular Case Against Living Together” (Archive link)
Cohabitation costs more than you think
Time: Even Taylor Swift complained about giving away “her best years” to a shack-up relationship that didn’t go anywhere. Don’t be like Taylor Swift.
Money: Combining finances with someone you’re not married to is foolish: “Not only can it be a legal nightmare… because the couple hasn’t become “one” yet, legally and spiritually, but it sets up a competitive dynamic, rather than a complementary one, which marriage fosters.”
Furthermore, according to an article from The Federalist on the importance of marriage that Dave Ramsey goes over during a monologue, “it’s not merely one parent versus two parent families that makes the difference. The U.S. Census Bureau finds that the poverty rate for children living in poverty with two unmarried cohabitating parents is similar to that of single-mother homes…. Married people…tend to manage their money differently than divorced, single, and cohabitating people.”
That same article adds that only 4% of households with married parents need Food Stamps, as opposed to the 21% of households with cohabitating parents that need it. Put another way, parents who aren’t married and live together are five times more likely to need Food Stamps for their families than married parents.
No more milestones: Would a wedding, a honeymoon, purchasing assets for your home, etc. still be as exciting or timely if you’ve been playing house all along? Do you even have the nerve to register for stuff (although having a wedding registry is already tacky to begin with, but that’s for another day) even though you were supposed to have the things you’re asking for after telling the proper order of things to go screw itself?
So no, couples who live together before marriage have no right to have a registry or (ask for money to) go on a honeymoon since their arrangement already shows the world they chose to do things in the wrong order and therefore should enjoy the privileges of eschewing decency norms.
Husbands aren’t shoes. You don’t try them on before you buy them.
–Dave Ramsey, “Move In With Boyfriend to Feel Things Out?“
Cohabitation won’t help you determine if you’re compatible
Choosing your partner well doesn’t go hand in hand with living together before the wedding day. In Venker’s words, “If you date someone long enough, you will know if you’re compatible. Marriage is a long business, and there’s just no way on God’s green Earth to figure out in advance if your relationship will last. Whether or not it lasts depends entirely on your marriage mindset, or your attitude, and your level of commitment.”
If all that hasn’t been enough, here’s more wisdom on the idiocy that are shack-ups. (Have your headphones and some to-dos ready because it’s quite a lot.)
Cohabitation isn’t a step toward marriage
I’ve been arguing for years that asking someone to move in with you is demeaning and a woman should be insulted by the prospect of moving in with her boyfriend. In Venker’s words, “It’s not an honor. It’s an insult. Times may change, but people don’t.”
She continues: “Women want what they’ve always wanted: security. And men want what they’ve always wanted: sex. Ergo, women are exchanging frequent access to sex for, well, nothing.”
[Ninety-seven] percent of [Millennials] who follow the success sequence—earn at least a high-school diploma, work, and marry before having children—will not be poor as they enter their 30s.
Glenn T. Stanton, quoting author and activist Jonathan Rauch, “The Research Proves The No. 1 Social Justice Imperative Is Marriage” (Find from Stanton’s article toward the end.)
I’ve never seen the appeal of living together before getting married. It gives me the ICK, as the kids say nowadays. Maybe for the guy, sure.. and even for her if she’s a fool and doesn’t care about her future. But after reading all this, why would anyone choose that path?!
Moving in sets you back on several fronts…. The data tells us your marriage, your relationships, and your finances are going to be better IF YOU GET MARRIED.
Dave Ramsey, “You Just Want a Roommate That You Can Sleep With”
More disadvantages of shacking up
- There’s no commitment: A relationship without a commitment has no muscle.
- Your children will be negatively affected because they won’t experience the stability and safety they deserve.
- They’re three times as likely to be expelled from school or get pregnant; five times more likely to live in poverty; and 22 more times to go to jail
- Why? Insecurity. New babies, new puppies, new kittens, etc. they all need to feel safe. Kids don’t feel safe in a shack-up situation.
- It makes you lazy! A commitment is something concrete that’s “attached to you and you’re aware of it.” In your “weaker or stupid moments” this commitment helps you think better about how you ought to be thinking and behaving.
- It’s linked to a higher divorce rate, increased rates of domestic abuse, and lower relationship quality.
- It’s akin to merely “sliding” into a commitment rather than deciding on it.
- These relationships also show higher financial strain, infidelity, and emotional distress
- Breaking up is more difficult after sharing expenses, furniture, rent, which can keep people in bad relationships longer.
- Women are more likely to experience abuse from a shack-up guy than a husband
- Children in these relationships do worse in school, have worse emotional health, and experience worse relationship stability in the future.
Without the legal and social commitment of marriage, Dr. Laura adds, relationships are more easily disrupted and less stable. According to her, “unlike in a marriage where you have a built-in network (e.g., in-laws), no one is invested in your shack-up, and that can more easily yield fragility of the relationship.”
[The] thought pattern of ‘what if this doesn’t work out,’ thinking you could just move out and move on, … can undermine that sense of commitment that is essential to a thriving marriage…. At some point, she will want to know where the relationship is headed. The prospect of motherhood makes this an inevitability.
Suzanne Venker, “The Secular Case Against Living Together” (Archive link)
I agree with there not being a network. In my case, as we’re living a morally stable life and are raising kids to have strong values and respect for family and commitment, I know I wouldn’t want to be anywhere that would endorse a shack-up relationship, and we’d discourage our children from supporting one as well.
How waiting until you’re married to move in can improve your life
As Dave Ramsey’s put it before, “All the data in all the research shows that people who do not live together prior to marriage have a higher probability of success in the marriage.”
Author Glenn Stanton explores how in his article from The Federalist titled, “The Research Shows That Marriage Is The #1 Social Justice Imperative”. In it, he delves into how significantly marriage improves the lives of families (as opposed to merely living together, which you can see is detrimental to everyone involved) and, with the help of various interesting findings, further details the relationship between being married and various other societal factors.
One study Stanton delves into in his article shows that married people rate markedly and consistently better in these aspects “and many more” compared to their single, divorced, and cohabiting peers:
- Overall physical and mental health
- income
- savings
- employment
- educational success
- general life contentment and happiness
- sexual satisfaction
- “even recovery from serious disease”
- healthy diet and exercise
- “and so many more.”
“Thus, marriage is an essential active ingredient in improving one’s overall life prospects, regardless of class, race, or educational status,” he adds.
Stanton concludes with this telling statement:
Today, many unfortunately believe that to be concerned about what kinds of families adults create and raise children in should be no one’s business. It’s a personal matter. Such people have no idea what a family is or does anthropologically. Each family is as much a public institution as it is private, if not more so. Its strength and weaknesses are felt throughout each community in countless ways. Government expands as marriage declines.
GLENN T. STANTON, “The Research Proves The No. 1 Social Justice Imperative Is Marriage” (Emphasis my own.)
